Sea Changes, Rip Tides, and Holy Crap I’m Gonna Drown

by Tuirgin on Sep.29, 2009, under Technology, Work

Friday morning I went in to work to put the finishing touches on the new backup system I have been working on. All the hurdles have been dealt with—I just needed to finish up the scheduling and then move data from our Windows file shares to the new Sun CIFS shares. All of this is the result of several months of work. Sometime late in the morning I was called to the office of the CEO. When I left, I was jobless.

In the three years I spent there I have had an excellent opportunity to learn and to put into practice everything I have taught myself about Linux and Unix. I have a real sense of ownership in my work, and pride in what I have accomplished. I was fortunate enough to have a boss that gave me a lot of freedom to pursue my own projects, and to implement my ideas into production use. And sure there were some failures—my attempts to use ActiveDirectory Group Policy to manage software installs crashed and burned—my successes, particularly when using open technologies, more than made up for them.

Gone in a second. Suddenly I am not worrying about validating backups or doing a security inventory—I am worrying about how I am going to pay my mortgage and feed my wife and the 4 kids still living with us. After 10 months of reduced hours, things were already approaching the impossibly tight. Now there is not even the pretense of getting by.

I know I am not alone. My new acquaintance and chess opponent, Paul Mathers, has been living with unemployment for a while now. There is a sense of a kind of solidarity in realizing that I am one of many facing the same fate as thousands of others. And I suppose there is some comfort in knowing that the enemy here is the economy and not… well, me.

All the same, what a bloody mess of emotions this brings on. Friday was spent in fits of despair, the shakes, and sobbing. Saturday brought a soporific haze and numbness. My parents brought some lightness to Sunday through their incredible generosity and love. And Monday? Monday I worked all day on trying to make some kind of paper-sense of my work experience as I attempted to bring my resume up to date. It still needs a lot of work, but there is an intense sense of urgency, of anxiety, which brings with it a sort of shallowness of vision, an inability to think clearly. Working through the day without stopping for lunch was a mistake which just magnified that dull-wittedness.

Clearly, I need to live within a routine that will preserve some sense of normalcy. And in addition to working on finding a new job, I need to take time to do some things that are not just in the course of typical unemployment business. I need to feed my brain. I need to see if I can get back to reading the Pevear/Volokhonsy translation of War and Peace, and if that proves to be too much right now, how about at least giving P.G. Wodehouse a shot? And I do not want to let my learning of Python fall to the wayside. My biggest weakness as a technologist has always been my lack of fluent programming skills. Sure I can cobble something simple together when needed, but real fluency is something I lack. And what about Minimal Perl or that book on nmap that I wanted to read? I need to find a job, but I cannot let myself become completely derailed by the lack of one.

Time to get started. Wish me luck.

:unemployment, Work

10 Comments for this entry

Jamie Arpin-Ricci
September 29th, 2009 on 10:43 am
You know we are rooting for you. Any company would be lucky to have you, so keep your chin up. If we can do anything, you know where to come.

Peace, Jamie

Reply
- Tuirgin
  September 29th, 2009 on 10:45 am
  You and Kim are absolute God-sends. Don’t get me started again. We’re being manly today.
  
  Reply
  - Jamie Arpin-Ricci
    September 29th, 2009 on 10:49 am
    Oh, sorry. (grunt) Wanna go shot and eat some wild animal? Then we can go home and flex for our women! ARGH ARGH ARGH!!!
    
    Reply
    - Tuirgin
      September 29th, 2009 on 10:56 am
      What is that sound? Is that… that’s Kim laughing at you, isn’t it? We’ve talked about this before. Tsk, tsk.
      
      Reply
Paul Mathers
September 29th, 2009 on 1:06 pm
Hang in there. This too shall pass.

And do read P.G. Wodehouse. He’s a riot.

Reply
- Tuirgin
  September 29th, 2009 on 1:33 pm
  I’ve had The Code of the Woosters on the shelf for 6 months or more now. Probably just the right medicine. I’ve seen the TV adaptation, and that was great. Plus Gaiman and Pratchett seem frequently to talk about Wodehouse. I’ll probably get further with that than with long and serious right now.
  
  Thanks, Paul.
  
  Reply
chessx
September 29th, 2009 on 3:04 pm
Wow thats not the things you want to hear. It is easy for people to say you’ll be ok,but its only you that know what you are going through at this time. We may of had something similar but not exact.

But we do mean what we say,although it is only words you are with friends,and as friends we wish you well.

Today i found out that a friend of myn who recently got over stomach cancer,now has bone cancer. He retired 5 months ago, 2 weeks after he retired he found out he had the stomack cancer now this.

Life is so cruel. Again these are only words, but i do wish you and your family some good luck in this life.

Reply
- Tuirgin
  September 29th, 2009 on 3:13 pm
  Life is certainly a mixed bag. I’ve very thankful for the friends and family I have around me this time around. I’ve had other and far deeper personal tragedies before. I definitely feel better situated to handle it this time (thought not from a financial perspective), and better cared for.
  
  I’m very sorry to hear about your friend. Again, as you say, only words, and with things like this there’s just nothing that can be said that is appropriate or very meaningful.
  
  Thanks for commenting.
  
  Reply
tommyg
September 30th, 2009 on 12:02 pm
Hey there! I am sorry about your job loss not to mention the rather sudden nature of it.

Hang in there! Not to speak in platitudes but usually when one door closes another does open, it just sometimes takes longer then we want to find that new door.

As ChessX stated these are only words but know that behind the words is also a prayer for you!

Tommyg

Reply
- Tuirgin
  September 30th, 2009 on 12:06 pm
  Hey, thanks! One thing I didn’t mention in my post was that this was the second round of layoffs. So, yes, it was sudden and there were those that made it sound like things were getting better, but at the same time everything was just too quiet and we were all kind of anxious about the possibility of more layoffs. I just didn’t think it would be me and didn’t expect the quantity of layoffs that took place.
  
  And I’ll take all the prayers that people are willing to offer.
  
  Reply